I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
