Don't EVER smell your tampon
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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