I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
