did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
