It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
