we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
