Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He passed out mid-signature
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
