look no pants
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
