If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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