Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
