Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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