miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
