I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
