Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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