Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
