My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
