Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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