I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
