I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
