She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
