This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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