I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
