i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This toilet bowl is my home.
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