She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
