Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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