My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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