Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
