You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
