Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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