TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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