If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
