I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
