I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
