You smell like stripper and shame
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
