I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was born a porn star she said
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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