so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
