We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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