3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
