Dude my mom stole all your condoms
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
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