Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
