Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
