I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
