I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
