omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
