he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
