Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
