I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
