Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
