Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
