Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
