i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
