as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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